The other evening I was at one of my book club groups. The book we had been reading was called Every Man Dies Alone by Hans Fallada. In the course of our evening we found ourselves hotly discussing the issue of choice as it was revealed through several of the characters. Some in the group said that there are times in life when we simply have no choice, the decision is made for us in the circumstances before us. For instance, one of the people said, 'I have no choice when a decision made by me will hurt my family or, not only hurt them, but perhaps endanger them. How could I possibly not do whatever was being asked?'
I found myself vehemently, really vehemently stating that I believe we always have a choice no matter what the situation. Again, in the example given, we do in fact, have the choice to do what we believe is right, even if it endangers loved ones. It is true that many of us would not make that choice, but it is ours to make nevertheless. And, as some wise person has said, not to make a choice, is to make a choice.
Why was I so vehement? I wondered that myself after I got home. What I think was behind it is hard to articulate but I will try.
It often seems these days that we hear more and more about the number of people who see or feel themselves to be victims. Many people express the feeling that they are at the mercy of others: the big corporations, governments, family, work, our past - perhaps life in general. Often when people express this it is with anger or with some sort of lashing out at some 'other'. Maybe one of the more absurd (to my mind at least) kinds of lashing out is when that person sued McDonalds because they had become obese eating their hamburgers!
It occurred to me thinking about this that when we feel like victims we also feel we are not free and that is what makes us angry. It seems that life rolls over us and we are never able, really, to live.
Okay, having said that, any one of us can think of a hundred circumstances which really do appear to be totally unfree: we lose our job, someone close to us dies, we get seriously ill and dependent and many, many things we all know in one way or the other. So where here, is the element of choice?
For me I think, the first choice and maybe even the most important choice to make or to try to make or to hope to make, is the choice not to be embittered by the circumstances that have befallen us. That freedom from bitterness is immediately freeing and healing. It is true we are not any better off outwardly, but what has happened is not compounded by self-defeating emotions; the 'poor me' kind of emotions. So then, we can begin to say, this is the situation, here are the options I have before me. Even if the choice I have to make is between bad and worse, I am choosing, my life is not being railroaded by circumstances and I will, in time, find myself much more at peace however dark things look. I understand that this can sound impossible but I also understand that it is, in fact, do-able and it is the beginning of an interior road to freedom that immediately improves how I live my life. It is admittedly, a slow growth in freedom and can only start with one small choice made knowingly and firmly, but it works. The rest is nothing but a journey to the kind of interior freedom we all hope for.
Here's a link to a talk which is, in many ways, about choosing. Though it is geared a bit more to women than men I have no doubt that it applies to all of us:
http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_fonda_life_s_third_act.html?quote=1266
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1 comment:
I agree with you entirely that we always can choose how we perceive and react to the circumstances that we can't control. And that makes all the difference. I like the Buddhist image I've read about of how the same amount of salt will make a small glass of water very salty, but will have very little effect on a pond. What we need to do is create space in ourselves to absorb whatever we encounter so that the impact doesn't throw us out of equilibrium.
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