I am pretty sure that I have spoken before about David Richo's book: The Five things we Cannot Change and the Happiness we find by Embracing them. Right now I thought it was worth saying again: READ IT! It seems to me so good and so wise and can probably save most of us no end of emotional aggravation in the rest of our lifetime.
Just to remind you about the five things - 1) Everything changes and ends 2) Things do not always go according to plan 3) Life is not always fair 4) Pain is part of life and 5) People are not loving and loyal all the time.
You may think these are self-explanatory, obvious. But I suspect for many of us and many especially, who are young(ish) they are not. In any case, even if we think we have taken these to heart it is worth just checking again....
1) There are some big changes and endings that really really hurt - like the death of a spouse or parent or child; like the time of retirement; like life; and there are hundreds of small changes and endings each day. Just to give a taste of what Richo says about the latter: We may not notice the control issue in some of the experiences that bother us on a daily basis. Control remains the opponent of a healthy and robust yes to reality as it is. It is not that we resent reality; we resent not being in control of it. ...{Richo suggests that] serenity comes from an unconditional yes to what is and to ourselves and others as we happen to be.
2) We all plan - and should do - but it is hard when those plans go awry. Just one thing that Richo asks us to think about: To plan evokes the archetype of synchronicity which reveals itself in a felt meaningful coincidence. To say yes to this given is to trust that the universe has a plan for us and that things are unfolding in this life just in time for us to grow into the beings we were meant to be.
I find that worth pondering and even if you don't believe in God or the 'universe' or in anything beyond this life your own life experience may remind you of all the fruitfulness of things that did not go according to plan.
3) I'm sure that most people learn as very young children that life is not fair. Here Richo says simply at the beginning of this chapter: Life is not always fair and neither are people, ourselves included. Sometimes we are taken advantage of. Sometimes we do all the right things and wind up losing. Others may be generous to us and yet we take advantage of their kindness...The challenge is to meet our losses with loving-kindness, the commitment to act and think lovingly towards others, especially when they test our patience or act hurtfully toward us.
This is clearly often very hard but think what a wonderful world we would live in if we kept trying.
4) From my own experience which, admittedly isn't great yet, pain is very hard to accept - not just to bear, but to accept. The essence of what this author says about this, and he speaks as a Buddhist is : A given of life is that there is a cost to everything, and suffering is part of that cost.
A few blogs back I noted that Thich Nhat Hanh was saying the same thing to us and it is found well, in the best of Christian writing too. It is a reality that we can fight against or be at peace with. The latter brings healing to the heart.
5) We all want to be able to count on people, to trust them and yet we know that, especially now in our society, trust is a huge issue. Here again there is for Richo, a very pragmatic, honest , way to see this: Some people act dishonestly; some lie; some are hypocritical. Part of growing up psychologically and spiritually is noticing all this but without censure or retaliation. We do not willingly allow others to be dishonest or hurtful toward us if we can prevent it. If they are, we ask for amends. If all we do fails, we let it go.
There is so much more in this book that fleshes out all of this and it is, in my opinion, a wise book. Hope this makes you want to read it.
David Richo:The Five Things we Cannot Change. Shambhala Publications, Boston, Mass. 2005
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Even more thoughts about being 'ordinary'.
Some months ago I shared some of my thoughts about the folks who stand at the streetcar stop across the street. They are a tiny, tiny sample of people who, every day of the work week , come to the stop, pretty much stand in the same place, talk to the same people, get on the streetcar and go off...where? I do not know.
One of the things that always interests me about our lives is the ordinariness of them - and it seems to me once again, that these men and women are reflecting the ordinary in a very beautiful way. What do I mean?
Looked at as a group the people who stand at the stop probably live pretty routine lives . They are not likely known to a huge number of other people the way a celebrity or a major businessperson or a politician might be known. But I do wonder if they reflect on the meaning of the life they are living; of the meaning of standing at the streetcar stop everyday at the same time with pretty much the same people? Do they find their lives interesting? exciting? I of course, have no idea and I would love to ask them. I would also want to ask them about their dreams - for themselves, for their families, for our country, for our world.
I think what strikes me time and time again is that our world is, essentially, made up of us very ordinary people, doing ordinary things. That is what holds up this world. That is the substance of human life. So why don't we see the beauty in it, the beauty in each unique person?
Sadly, right now it seems to me we live at a time when ordinary is disparaged. Many young people for instance, want to be celebrities because those are the folks who get all the media attention. In fact, it may be that this cult of celebrity makes it hard for most of us to value who we are precisely because we are 'only' ordinary.
But I said earlier that the people standing across the street reflect 'ordinary' in a very beautiful way and as I said, I wish we could all see the beauty. Because if ordinary is what we are, then ordinary must be very special indeed. Each single one of us, whatever we do, whatever our life experience, whatever our ability, age, race, culture, work - or not - is part of the building block of our human existence, of the journey of our world. We matter. We make a difference by being alive, by doing what we have to do, by being good friends, good neighbours, good lovers (in the broadest sense of that word).
The ordinary is full of life. Just look around and see it, it will fill you with wonder at all we might be missing. For instance, back to those folks at the stop. Each one has his or her own way of reflecting her or his uniqueness and humanity. Even if it is never articulated each one struggles in the midst of whatever life is giving them at the moment, to say somehow, both to themselves and to others, I matter, I am someone worthy of your respect. I am the beauty of the ordinary.
One of the things that always interests me about our lives is the ordinariness of them - and it seems to me once again, that these men and women are reflecting the ordinary in a very beautiful way. What do I mean?
Looked at as a group the people who stand at the stop probably live pretty routine lives . They are not likely known to a huge number of other people the way a celebrity or a major businessperson or a politician might be known. But I do wonder if they reflect on the meaning of the life they are living; of the meaning of standing at the streetcar stop everyday at the same time with pretty much the same people? Do they find their lives interesting? exciting? I of course, have no idea and I would love to ask them. I would also want to ask them about their dreams - for themselves, for their families, for our country, for our world.
I think what strikes me time and time again is that our world is, essentially, made up of us very ordinary people, doing ordinary things. That is what holds up this world. That is the substance of human life. So why don't we see the beauty in it, the beauty in each unique person?
Sadly, right now it seems to me we live at a time when ordinary is disparaged. Many young people for instance, want to be celebrities because those are the folks who get all the media attention. In fact, it may be that this cult of celebrity makes it hard for most of us to value who we are precisely because we are 'only' ordinary.
But I said earlier that the people standing across the street reflect 'ordinary' in a very beautiful way and as I said, I wish we could all see the beauty. Because if ordinary is what we are, then ordinary must be very special indeed. Each single one of us, whatever we do, whatever our life experience, whatever our ability, age, race, culture, work - or not - is part of the building block of our human existence, of the journey of our world. We matter. We make a difference by being alive, by doing what we have to do, by being good friends, good neighbours, good lovers (in the broadest sense of that word).
The ordinary is full of life. Just look around and see it, it will fill you with wonder at all we might be missing. For instance, back to those folks at the stop. Each one has his or her own way of reflecting her or his uniqueness and humanity. Even if it is never articulated each one struggles in the midst of whatever life is giving them at the moment, to say somehow, both to themselves and to others, I matter, I am someone worthy of your respect. I am the beauty of the ordinary.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Jean Vanier, a transforming influence
For quite a number of years there has been a group of people working to identify people who would submit letters of nomination for Jean Vanier for the Nobel Peace Prize. Unlike other Nobel Prizes the Peace prize asks people to submit names. Eligible nominators are a fairly 'elite' group of, for instance, past Nobel winners, heads of government, members of parliaments, certain kinds of academics, members of international courts, and current and past members of the Nobel committee itself. That there were always a substantial number of letters for Jean from such a group of people is, as I see it, a sign of the scope of his life's work. Because by far the greatest number of people whose lives he has touched and still does, are very ordinary, often very poor, men and women and young people.
Jean Vanier is a Canadian by birth, son of the former Governor General of Canada, Georges Vanier. Jean's story is available on various websites most particularly: http://www.jean-vanier.org/. He is, in my opinion, a very great and good man who deserved the prize. So because he didn't win yet again, and perhaps never will now, I wanted to share with you my own experience of him because he helped to transform my life .
I first met Jean at his home at the original L'Arche community at Trosly-Breuil in France in about 1973. I had gone to the community with Sister Sue Mosteller who knew Jean and was writing a book about him and Mother Teresa. My first reaction in meeting him was that he scared me - not because he was a scary person but because I sensed that if I got to know him better my life would be changed. Something in him was speaking to my heart.
Well, it was true. When Sue and I returned to Canada she went to live at the new and as of then, only L'Arche community in Canada at Daybreak in Richmond Hill Ontario. In the months following our return we attended a number of retreats and 'events' in which Jean spoke. I had never heard anyone speak of Jesus and the gospel with such beauty and truth. Suddenly it all came to life for me - at least, perhaps I should say it was the beginning of a journey to life. He also spoke of what he wanted l'Arche to be about - a community where men and women share life together each in both their poverty and gifts. Men and women who would be considered mentally handicapped many of whom then lived in institutions, lived together with so-called normal people. The lives of each were and are, transformed by this experience of mutual sharing and respect.
Through the years l'Arche has grown throughout the world always inspired by Jean and his message and his sharing of the gospel; his compassion and integrity and truth. Now, he is 84 and no longer travels much but still shares the wisdom of his life with people who come to Trosly. Jean has met heads of government, the Pope, major leaders of the world but there is I suspect, the greatest room in his heart for the people around him who though often rejected by society have been his companions and teachers since the 1960's.
Before I went to England to become a Carmelite, I spent a number of years in l'Arche both at Daybreak and then l'Arche Vancouver and I understand the transforming power of that life and the people who are at the heart of it. If I had not met Jean my life would, I am certain, have been so much poorer and so much less meaningful. And having read some of the letters of nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize from those leaders of society, I have a good sense of how he touched and continues to touch, their lives too.
Jean Vanier is a Canadian by birth, son of the former Governor General of Canada, Georges Vanier. Jean's story is available on various websites most particularly: http://www.jean-vanier.org/. He is, in my opinion, a very great and good man who deserved the prize. So because he didn't win yet again, and perhaps never will now, I wanted to share with you my own experience of him because he helped to transform my life .
I first met Jean at his home at the original L'Arche community at Trosly-Breuil in France in about 1973. I had gone to the community with Sister Sue Mosteller who knew Jean and was writing a book about him and Mother Teresa. My first reaction in meeting him was that he scared me - not because he was a scary person but because I sensed that if I got to know him better my life would be changed. Something in him was speaking to my heart.
Well, it was true. When Sue and I returned to Canada she went to live at the new and as of then, only L'Arche community in Canada at Daybreak in Richmond Hill Ontario. In the months following our return we attended a number of retreats and 'events' in which Jean spoke. I had never heard anyone speak of Jesus and the gospel with such beauty and truth. Suddenly it all came to life for me - at least, perhaps I should say it was the beginning of a journey to life. He also spoke of what he wanted l'Arche to be about - a community where men and women share life together each in both their poverty and gifts. Men and women who would be considered mentally handicapped many of whom then lived in institutions, lived together with so-called normal people. The lives of each were and are, transformed by this experience of mutual sharing and respect.
Through the years l'Arche has grown throughout the world always inspired by Jean and his message and his sharing of the gospel; his compassion and integrity and truth. Now, he is 84 and no longer travels much but still shares the wisdom of his life with people who come to Trosly. Jean has met heads of government, the Pope, major leaders of the world but there is I suspect, the greatest room in his heart for the people around him who though often rejected by society have been his companions and teachers since the 1960's.
Before I went to England to become a Carmelite, I spent a number of years in l'Arche both at Daybreak and then l'Arche Vancouver and I understand the transforming power of that life and the people who are at the heart of it. If I had not met Jean my life would, I am certain, have been so much poorer and so much less meaningful. And having read some of the letters of nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize from those leaders of society, I have a good sense of how he touched and continues to touch, their lives too.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The wonder of perceptions
This Thanksgiving weekend many of my family members and some close friends (22 people in all) were together at my niece and nephew-in-law's place in rural Quebec. We were also celebrating the 50th birthday of my nephew. There was a fantastic mixture of generations - us oldies, 40's & 50's and young children. It was really great.
The setting, on a small, very quiet lake surrounded by trees all in their most fantastic autumn colour was breathtaking. There was of course, lots of noise in the house but once we stepped out, it was silent and meditative. Yesterday though was frosty - had to scrape the ice off the windshield.
What I wanted to share especially though was a most fascinating exercise in perception that we underwent one afternoon. As I mentioned, my nephew was celebrating his 50th birthday. He is a bachelor, a man who essentially marches to his own drummer, and who lives simply and ascetically. At least, that is how most of the adults would see him.
The exercise in perception began when he was out of the room and it was intended to be preparation for a poem that someone would write and read out in the evening party after Thanksgiving dinner. A question was asked: how do you see Steve? what comes to mind when you think of him?
The adults started with such words as: a bit unusual, a loner, an eccentric. Words also used were : gentle, kind, interesting, someone who fixes things around the house, someone who is almost always late ...
The children then spoke and the most commonly used expression for him was AWESOME! All the adults just sat there and soaked this up, marvelling at the use of a word that would not easily have come to mind for them. But the children were emphatic that this was the best word to describe him.
So, for me, this was a great lesson in not wholly thinking that my perception of another person is all that comprehensive or worth giving great weight to. Because it is really true that each of us is such a complex human personality and we do tend to be a bit different with different people that we cannot and should not be 'pinned down'.
Therefore, the next time I think I have someone's personality "nailed' I think I would do well to ask a few other people before I say or think anything. The next time I am tempted to think that someone is ... whatever... I hope I can just hold back a while and take another look and another listen. And that sort of comes back to what I hope I managed to say in my last couple of blogs - that to learn to see people I want to think I understand or perhaps judge for not being what I think they should be, I should try to see the wonderful, God blessed humanity at the core of each person.
The setting, on a small, very quiet lake surrounded by trees all in their most fantastic autumn colour was breathtaking. There was of course, lots of noise in the house but once we stepped out, it was silent and meditative. Yesterday though was frosty - had to scrape the ice off the windshield.
What I wanted to share especially though was a most fascinating exercise in perception that we underwent one afternoon. As I mentioned, my nephew was celebrating his 50th birthday. He is a bachelor, a man who essentially marches to his own drummer, and who lives simply and ascetically. At least, that is how most of the adults would see him.
The exercise in perception began when he was out of the room and it was intended to be preparation for a poem that someone would write and read out in the evening party after Thanksgiving dinner. A question was asked: how do you see Steve? what comes to mind when you think of him?
The adults started with such words as: a bit unusual, a loner, an eccentric. Words also used were : gentle, kind, interesting, someone who fixes things around the house, someone who is almost always late ...
The children then spoke and the most commonly used expression for him was AWESOME! All the adults just sat there and soaked this up, marvelling at the use of a word that would not easily have come to mind for them. But the children were emphatic that this was the best word to describe him.
So, for me, this was a great lesson in not wholly thinking that my perception of another person is all that comprehensive or worth giving great weight to. Because it is really true that each of us is such a complex human personality and we do tend to be a bit different with different people that we cannot and should not be 'pinned down'.
Therefore, the next time I think I have someone's personality "nailed' I think I would do well to ask a few other people before I say or think anything. The next time I am tempted to think that someone is ... whatever... I hope I can just hold back a while and take another look and another listen. And that sort of comes back to what I hope I managed to say in my last couple of blogs - that to learn to see people I want to think I understand or perhaps judge for not being what I think they should be, I should try to see the wonderful, God blessed humanity at the core of each person.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Brothers and sisters more than enemies
Another thought from Thich Nhat Hanh which is sort of on the theme of my last blog and also another book that I am currently reading. Hanh says something that I find very helpful:
When it is raining, we think that there is no sunshine. But if we fly high in an airplane and go through the clouds, we rediscover the sunshine again. We see that the sunshine is always there. In a time of anger or despair, our love is also still there. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there....You have to believe this.
We are more than our anger; we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate. If you know this, then when it rains you won't be desperate. (Anger)
It is so hard when you are overcome by a really strong emotion like anger or grief or fear isn't it? That strong emotion seems to be all there is; nothing else seems possible. But I do think that what Jesus teaches us about trust and hope and seeing light at the end is going to help towards eventual healing and peace of heart too.
The other book that I am reading is by a man called David Ford and is called 'The Future of Christian Theology'. It is for me at least, not an easy book to get through but something I read this morning seemed to me to sort of fit in the whole theme of strong feelings and the temptation to see people and feelings as enemies. The chapter is called 'Inter-faith Blessing' and he is talking about a letter that 138 Muslim scholars and leaders sent to the leaders of Christian churches on the subject of love of God and love of neighbor. The letter is entitled: A Common Word between Us and You.
David Ford speaks about how unprecedented this letter is and how it focuses on a common ground to begin dialogue. He also recommends especially, the response led by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams.
What speaks to me here is the courage of the Muslim leaders to reach out in the face of opposition from other Muslims and the willingness of some Christian leaders (alas, not all) to take what is offered and start there. There is so much anger and fear between our faiths, feelings that get carried well beyond religious actions . But somewhere, sometime don't we have to begin to see even those we think of as enemies as our sisters and brothers, other human beings who are more like us than unlike? I hope so.
You can find the original letter and many Christian responses at:http://www.acommonword.com/
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Questions with no answers
I sometimes find it hard to say what I really want to say here and this is one of those days. However, I thought I could share some questions that keep coming to mind.
1. How can I have so much beauty and safety and peace and plenty in my life and so many have none of those things? I would like to be able to say I earned what I have but I don't think I worked any harder than most people and indeed, probably a lot less hard than many. I was born into a country that is peaceful (more or less). I was able to get educated and to find work. I had a caring family. But weren't those just the luck of the genetic draw? I could just as easily have been born in one of the many countries that lack schools, food, health care, security, basic necessary infrastructure. None of us has chosen the life we were born into.
2. How come we often don't seem to see the humanity in other people who are so different from us? How come we don't hear their dreams and hopes (if they have any left). How come we so often see people as our enemies - just because they don't see things the way we do. Maybe if we listened to one another we'd learn enough to live beautifully at peace with one another. Maybe...
What brought this on today? I was walking again by the lake on this beautiful, warm Autumn day. It was breathtaking and there were lots of people out just enjoying the day and the view. I don't imagine any of us was worried about being strafed by an airplane or blown up by a bomber or arrested for just being there.
But just before that I had been watching a program from the BBC's Simon Reeve called The Tropic of Cancer. Simon is travelling around the Tropic of Cancer and so many of the places he visits are both beautiful and awful. I think of Bangladesh with its amazing people for most of whom, life is a daily struggle, where in order to survive a family must send even their 8 or 9 year old children to work. Do they deserve this? Then he made a short incursion into Burma and there we see a village that just wants to live at peace and there is constant intimidation by the army who kills people, kidnaps them, rapes the women just because these folks belong to a tribe that the government wants to get rid of. Aren't there situations like this everywhere?
After experiences like these - where I see contrasts that are so unjust I want it all to be made better right now. But it won't be. Even so, I have hope because every day I meet people who are good and kind and generous; people who work in many small and larger ways to overcome these injustices and who help me to want to do so too. But it is a long wait for those who suffer.
1. How can I have so much beauty and safety and peace and plenty in my life and so many have none of those things? I would like to be able to say I earned what I have but I don't think I worked any harder than most people and indeed, probably a lot less hard than many. I was born into a country that is peaceful (more or less). I was able to get educated and to find work. I had a caring family. But weren't those just the luck of the genetic draw? I could just as easily have been born in one of the many countries that lack schools, food, health care, security, basic necessary infrastructure. None of us has chosen the life we were born into.
2. How come we often don't seem to see the humanity in other people who are so different from us? How come we don't hear their dreams and hopes (if they have any left). How come we so often see people as our enemies - just because they don't see things the way we do. Maybe if we listened to one another we'd learn enough to live beautifully at peace with one another. Maybe...
What brought this on today? I was walking again by the lake on this beautiful, warm Autumn day. It was breathtaking and there were lots of people out just enjoying the day and the view. I don't imagine any of us was worried about being strafed by an airplane or blown up by a bomber or arrested for just being there.
But just before that I had been watching a program from the BBC's Simon Reeve called The Tropic of Cancer. Simon is travelling around the Tropic of Cancer and so many of the places he visits are both beautiful and awful. I think of Bangladesh with its amazing people for most of whom, life is a daily struggle, where in order to survive a family must send even their 8 or 9 year old children to work. Do they deserve this? Then he made a short incursion into Burma and there we see a village that just wants to live at peace and there is constant intimidation by the army who kills people, kidnaps them, rapes the women just because these folks belong to a tribe that the government wants to get rid of. Aren't there situations like this everywhere?
After experiences like these - where I see contrasts that are so unjust I want it all to be made better right now. But it won't be. Even so, I have hope because every day I meet people who are good and kind and generous; people who work in many small and larger ways to overcome these injustices and who help me to want to do so too. But it is a long wait for those who suffer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)