I am pretty sure that I have spoken before about David Richo's book: The Five things we Cannot Change and the Happiness we find by Embracing them. Right now I thought it was worth saying again: READ IT! It seems to me so good and so wise and can probably save most of us no end of emotional aggravation in the rest of our lifetime.
Just to remind you about the five things - 1) Everything changes and ends 2) Things do not always go according to plan 3) Life is not always fair 4) Pain is part of life and 5) People are not loving and loyal all the time.
You may think these are self-explanatory, obvious. But I suspect for many of us and many especially, who are young(ish) they are not. In any case, even if we think we have taken these to heart it is worth just checking again....
1) There are some big changes and endings that really really hurt - like the death of a spouse or parent or child; like the time of retirement; like life; and there are hundreds of small changes and endings each day. Just to give a taste of what Richo says about the latter: We may not notice the control issue in some of the experiences that bother us on a daily basis. Control remains the opponent of a healthy and robust yes to reality as it is. It is not that we resent reality; we resent not being in control of it. ...{Richo suggests that] serenity comes from an unconditional yes to what is and to ourselves and others as we happen to be.
2) We all plan - and should do - but it is hard when those plans go awry. Just one thing that Richo asks us to think about: To plan evokes the archetype of synchronicity which reveals itself in a felt meaningful coincidence. To say yes to this given is to trust that the universe has a plan for us and that things are unfolding in this life just in time for us to grow into the beings we were meant to be.
I find that worth pondering and even if you don't believe in God or the 'universe' or in anything beyond this life your own life experience may remind you of all the fruitfulness of things that did not go according to plan.
3) I'm sure that most people learn as very young children that life is not fair. Here Richo says simply at the beginning of this chapter: Life is not always fair and neither are people, ourselves included. Sometimes we are taken advantage of. Sometimes we do all the right things and wind up losing. Others may be generous to us and yet we take advantage of their kindness...The challenge is to meet our losses with loving-kindness, the commitment to act and think lovingly towards others, especially when they test our patience or act hurtfully toward us.
This is clearly often very hard but think what a wonderful world we would live in if we kept trying.
4) From my own experience which, admittedly isn't great yet, pain is very hard to accept - not just to bear, but to accept. The essence of what this author says about this, and he speaks as a Buddhist is : A given of life is that there is a cost to everything, and suffering is part of that cost.
A few blogs back I noted that Thich Nhat Hanh was saying the same thing to us and it is found well, in the best of Christian writing too. It is a reality that we can fight against or be at peace with. The latter brings healing to the heart.
5) We all want to be able to count on people, to trust them and yet we know that, especially now in our society, trust is a huge issue. Here again there is for Richo, a very pragmatic, honest , way to see this: Some people act dishonestly; some lie; some are hypocritical. Part of growing up psychologically and spiritually is noticing all this but without censure or retaliation. We do not willingly allow others to be dishonest or hurtful toward us if we can prevent it. If they are, we ask for amends. If all we do fails, we let it go.
There is so much more in this book that fleshes out all of this and it is, in my opinion, a wise book. Hope this makes you want to read it.
David Richo:The Five Things we Cannot Change. Shambhala Publications, Boston, Mass. 2005
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