In this book Lerner focuses mostly on family and interfamily relationships. I like it because it is also geared to women and women's unique difficulties with anger and guilt. It includes a sensitive discussion about the ways in which women express anger - or not (and the 'or not' is alas, an important way we seem to have of dealing with our anger). Men tend to express their anger more physically or else they absent themselves, whereas women's anger is more likely to be subtle and often disguised. It includes indirect things like silent submission, ineffective fighting, blaming, innuendo, gossip, etc. (I do want to say as an aside however, that over the years I have come to experience that men also gossip).
Here is a quote from Lerner: Women...have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the smoothers, the peacemakers and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect and placate the world...Women who openly express anger at men are especially suspect. Even when society is sympathetic to our goals for equality, we all know that 'those angry women' turn everybody off. Unlike our male heroes who fight and even die for what they believe in, women may be condemned for waging a bloodless and humane revolution for their own rights. The direct expression of anger... makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal or more recently, 'strident'.
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| Anger has its beauty as well as its harm |
Lerner also speaks about guilt. We are often taught to feel guilty about our anger for instance. So, we think we shouldn't feel angry. But she says, 'anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel and certainly our anger is no exception'. The issue for Lerner is not what we feel or that we feel, but how we express it.
There is much more and I will try and share some of it next time. In the meantime, I think the book is still available. It is well worth reading.
*Harriet G. Lerner: The Dance of Anger, Thorsons, HarperCollins. 1989.
1 comment:
I also found Lerner's book to be very helpful. TNH has a whole book on Anger too in which he points out that we shouldn't try to suppress it, since it is a part of us. Instead, we should embrace it and calm it down. By acknowledging it and paying attention, we can learn to understand why we feel that way. For instance, anger is often caused by misperceptions. With mindfulness, concentration, and insight, we can learn to selectively water the seeds of love and compassion and to weaken emotions such as fear and anger. Anger is a natural response to injustice and can be energizing, but only up to a point. If we can get beyond the anger and replace it with a more positive determination to counteract injustice, we will be more effective.
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