More about anger

I wanted to share a bit more from Harriet G. Lerner's book 'The Dance of Anger'*. She is writing about family dynamics but most especially from a woman's point of view. 

One of HL's major premises is that women often fight ineffectively. That is, we frequently express anger in such a way that we don't in fact make our point and so our anger isn't accepted and that leads to more frustration, anger and depression. This is not usually conscious or intentional but she suggests that this happens in part because we don't always have much of a sense of confidence in our own right to have an opinion and to be angry and to express it.

So, HL explains, 'In situations that might realistically evoke anger or protest we stay silent - or become tearful, self-critical or "hurt". If we do feel angry, we keep it to ourselves in order to avoid the possibility of open conflict. But it is not just our anger that we keep to ourselves; in addition, we may avoid making clear statements about what we think and feel, when we suspect that such clarity would make another person uncomfortable and expose differences between us.

HL suggests throughout her book that we fear and avoid our anger (and that of others as well) not only because it brings about the disapproval of others but also because it signals the necessity for change. What she seems to mean by this is that anger in ourselves or in another obviously indicates an unhappiness or dissatisfaction with a person or situation and includes the implication that that person or situation needs to change. And that is difficult for the simple reason that we very often do not want to change or see the need for it. And often enough, in any case, we feel it is the other person who really needs to change.

If we decide it is important to change the way a relationship has been going then, Lerner says, we have to be prepared for resistance and threat from the other and even within ourselves.

A kind of summary of one of HL's major themes then is: It is extremely difficult to learn, with our hearts as well as our heads, that we have a right to everything we think and feel - and so does everyone else. It is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to...There is nothing wrong with wanting to change someone else. The problem is that it usually doesn't work. No matter how skilled we become in dealing with our anger, we cannot ensure that another person will do what we want them to or see things our way, nor are we guaranteed that justice will prevail. We  are able to move away from ineffective fighting only when we give up the fantasy that we can change or control another person. It is only then that we can reclaim the power that is truly ours - the power to change our own selves and take a new and different action on our own behalf.
* *Harriet G. Lerner: The Dance of Anger, Thorsons, HarperCollins. 1989.